What would make a video of a snail moving from S'pore to Africa seem fast?

Nope.

Close.

Hell no.

Need a hint?

Alright, it 'runs' slower than it.

Hmm...not really.

Alright, so you give up?

Okay okay.

It's a soap opera.

It's not just any soap opera, but an Indian Soap Opera.

When I mean slow, I really mean fucking slow.

When I was much younger, I use to watch Days of Our Lives. My classes(pri sch) were usually in the afternoon so that made it possible for me to catch it.

As much as they are known to be beat around the bush and come up with one scandal after the other, it was still going at a reasonable pace.

The other day when my mum and sis were watching an Indian Soap Opera on cable, I decided to sit and check it out (As much as I am Indian by birth, culturally I'm not at all. I do not watch Tamil movies, never listen to Tamil songs and well like I said I do not like Indian girls. So basically I'm fucked up. Sweet. And to even get me to sit down and watch some Indian show, you'd have to pay me at least $50, or get me a tub of ice-cream).

Well, the show was already mid-way through the season and I didn't know wtf was happening at all. You see with English ones, after watching like maybe 3 or 4 episodes, you should be able to know roughly what's exactly going on and a brief history of the characters.

But with this one, I was beginning to wonder if whether or not I should put myself through another 3 more episodes to see if it's actually interesting. So I put my theory to the test. Would I be able to know the basic storyline that's going on and a brief history of the characters after 4 episodes?

Episode 1:

Couple A quarrels and gets into a heated argument. Man walks towards kitchen, grabs knife.

Couple B are madly in love, but the husband is cheating on the wife. Wife doesn't know.

Boy is crossing the road when a car knocks him down. Rushed to the hospital.

To be continued...

Episode 2:

Man with knife, is walking towards the living room. He stops, and turns to the refrigerator, to grab a nice cold drink first.

Wife sees husband with another woman when she goes shopping at a mall. She hides behind a pillar and stalks them.

Boy is in critical condition.

Couple C are known to have their son missing.

To be continued...

Episode 3:

Husband enters the living room with the knife. He confronts his wife. Wife isn't afraid. She challenges him to a duel. Husband drops his knife down and reaches for his light saber and so does his wife.

Wife has a smirk on her face. She likes what she sees. Husband returns home that night. She begins to tell her husband about her fantasies. About how she would love to have a threesome. Husband is dumbfounded. His hand reaches for....

Boy wakes up after a blood transfusion. Loses most part of his memory except his name. When asked for it, he says that his name is sundramoorthy balakrishnan s/o ramamoorthy sidashivan (the direct translation to English would be John Connor). Is shipped to Madagascar accidentally together with a group of zoo animals. He breaks open from his crate upon arrival only to find himself surrounded by animals. King Kong's wife comes along and cradles him under her bosom and names him Mowgli.

Couple C are frantically looking for their missing son. They put up posters of their son. He's 28 has bangs as his hairstyle, looks a bit like Paula Abdul only more autistic and tranny looking. Mowgli boy is not their son.

To be continued...

Episode 4:

Husband slashes wife's left hand off. Wife laughs and grows back a pair like a hydra. She swings her saber only for it to rip her husband's genitals off. His turn to laugh. He grows 2 more. Upon seeing this, the wife drops her saber on the ground. Husband drops his too. And well, they drop everything that's on them and have hot steamy make up sex. Half way through it she begins shouting some random guy's name. Husband's furious. He heads into the kitchen again -this time naked- to get a knife....

Husband introduces her to the other lady. They begin to fulfill both his and his wife's fantasy. Wife leaves to go the bathroom. She gets a text message from her boyfriend asking her to meet him tomorrow morning at 10am...

Boy has new friends. He starts to fall in love with King Kong's microwave. Microwave is actually a machine send from the future to kill sundramoorthy balakrishnan s/o ramamoorthy sidashivan a.k.a John Connor. King Kong finds out and gets jealous...

To be continued...

Alright, basically I made that all up after the first one. For God's sake, I couldn't bear to sit through another 3 more.

The point is that it's boring. I do not know what's happening, and well it takes roughly 3 to 4 episodes for a character just to go to the toilet to take a leak (according to my mum, who's a reliable source).

If that is not what you call fuckin retardedly slow then I do not know what is.